


Through the veil of smoke

by barboletta



Category: Video Blogging & YouTube RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-09
Updated: 2013-09-09
Packaged: 2017-12-26 03:20:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/960984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/barboletta/pseuds/barboletta
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil has been smoking for ten years. That was both the happiest and the hardest times in his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So. This is my first fic in three years, first fic that is over 1000 words and first fic in phandom. Don’t judge me.
> 
> Phil-centric, angst, fluff, a bit of smut. UA(Universe Alternatives - they still do YouTube and I tried to base it on reality, but failed a bit)
> 
> It was meant to be a one-shot, but I got carried away so it is actually 16K words. It is divided in parts for more comfortable reading.

Phil starts when he is sixteen. His hands are shaking, he wants to cry and he needs something to relax but he definitely doesn't want to drink or go out. He ends with a cigarette in his hands, offered by John, his neighbour, who is three years older and just happened to be around, trying to enjoy bitter smoke and calm himself down. Layla has broken up with him about three hours ago but he can still hear her words about her second boyfriend, his weirdness and her need of a serious man. Phil knows that is slightly strange for a person in his teens to think about marriage and kids, but he has already imagined himself as a husband and a proud father of three, so probably he is a serious man, but Layla doesn't see it. He coughs, smoke burns his lungs but he can accept he quite enjoys it. His hands don't shake anymore.  


It becomes his habit. Phil knows it is harmful and unhealthy, but he just cannot stop. Layla is so proud of her new relationship, and she actually throws it in Phil's face, when he tries so desperately to forget her, and smoking becomes his relief. He doesn't tell anyone about it. He smokes on his way to school hiding from his friends and teachers and their lovely neighbour Mrs. Cliffson who will definitely tell his parents and he really doesn't want to upset them. He tries his best to smoke no more than one per day but sometimes in the evening he walks out for a small walk and lights one automatically. He gets used to all the hiding and constant chewing gum and washing his hand with soap every time he comes from his small walks. He thinks he will give up smoking one day, just not now.  


He smokes more and more. His mum doesn't even ask him where he goes when he leaves in the late evening to have his usual smoking walks as he calls them inside his mind. Sometimes he wonders if she knows about his bad habit, but he still doesn't' want to tell her, or dad, or even Martin about it. He smokes Blue Chesterfield, as John did, and a shop assistant in the nearest shop doesn't even ask him, what he wants, giving him a pack of Chester and a mint chewing gum. He is slightly afraid that she will offer him cigarettes when he is with someone who doesn't need to know about it, but she keeps his secret, understanding, and Phil is so relieved.  


By the time he enters the University of York, he has already considered giving up a few times. Hiding has got harder in the past year and addiction got stronger and with all this anti smoking campaign he thinks about his health for the first time. But in the university it gets so much easier. He tries to hide his cigs and lighters from his roommate during the first few weeks, tries to smoke outside so no one can see him, until one day he sees Tom in their room who lights up a cigarette and exhales smoke into the slightly open window.  


"Thank God, you too,” Phil exclaims and Tom shivers and glances back, slightly afraid of judgment. He smiles confusedly at Phil who reaches for his pack of Chester, hidden deep in his drawer, and laughs when he sees the relief on Phil's face when he finally takes a deep drag.  


"How long have you planned to keep it a secret, I wonder", Tom laughs and Phil just smiles at him.  


It is completely different to smoke alone in the empty street or in your window at late night and to smoke in a big company of your friends, some of whom smokes too apparently. It is a completely new side of his bad habit and after a while he just stops thinking about it as something harmful. He also becomes aware that he is not that addicted because Tom for example cannot even fall asleep without one last cigarette and it is physically hard to him not to smoke five hours in a row. Phil, on the other hand, is completely unstable about his smoking patterns - he can smoke a whole pack during one night, working on his research project or discussing some psychological stuff with Tom and in the same time he lasts without any cigarettes for a month and a half (He just went to see his family and really didn't want to get caught after so many years of successful hiding). Tom teaches him how to make smoke rings and shows how one can lit two cigarettes at a time. Phil considers it a very romantic action, to smoke a cigarette that was lit by another person and feels very embarrassed when Tom offers him one but after a while he gets used to it and even does it himself. Their friendship is the most precious relationship that has ever happened to Phil. He trusts Tom so much and sometimes, when he imagines his future where he is a husband and a proud father of three, there is still Tom who is his best friend and whom his children call Uncle Tom and hug as if he was a giant bear. He likes this kind of future.  


Tom dies young. It happens so fast that Phil doesn't even understand what has happened. It is Wednesday evening when Tom and him sit on a window-sill and smoke in the wide open window, and Phil tells Tom that he might be not as straight as he thought, because there is a boy, their mutual friend, Jamie, who is very nice and good-looking and Phil feels something towards him, like he wants to hug him or kiss him or maybe even make out with him. Tom laughs because it is something that he definitely doesn't want to know in every detail but he supports Phil just because he needs support. They sit like this for almost two hours, smoking in the night and telling each other some of the deepest secrets with some stupid jokes and strange questions in between and this night is no different from their others but Phil will remember it forever because it is the last night when he hears Tom's voice and sees his eyes and watches him smoke. They go to sleep after around one o'clock in the morning but Phil cannot sleep and he just listens to the sound of night from the open window and Tom's steady breathing when he understands that Tom doesn't breathe steadily and it sounds more like he suffocates. Phil tries to wake him up, he tries shouting and shaking and he even pours water on Tom but nothing works and he understands finally that that is way more serious than a nightmare and he calls ambulance. He waits for them sitting on the floor near to the Tom's bed and holds his hand and he is so scared that he doesn't understand anything.  


Ambulance arrives and they push Phil away but he still holds Tom's hand and he is physically unable to loosen the grip because Tom is one of the most important people in his life and he knows that if he let go something terrible is going to happen. They undo his fingers by force and they put Tom on a stretcher and Phil goes with him as he is - in his pyjama pants and a T-shirt wearing his trainers without socks. Everything is blurring from this moment. He doesn't remember how they get to the hospital, he doesn't remember waiting for the doctor who will finally tell what has happened, he doesn't remember a friendly nurse who offers him a blanket and a cup of coffee. He does remember the look on doctor's face though, full of pity and sadness but in the same time there is so much tiredness in that look that Phil can literally sense it. He wonders how many death these eyes has seen and this thought won't leave his mind when he is talking to Doctor Speight. Tom is critical. He is in coma now but God knows how much he will last. It is better to call his parents now so they can say their good-byes. Phil tries his hardest no to cry but Doctor Speight says that he understands so he lets his tears out. It is not hysterical cry like one can see in films and definitely not this I-am-so-cool-to-cry one-tear thing. It is just tears of a person who has just lost one of the dearest and nearest and Phil really doesn't care what people think.  


Phil calls Tom's parents around seven o'clock in the morning. He has stopped crying two hours ago and he is pretty calm right now apart from his hands shaking. He knows what can stop it but he hasn't taken anything with him and he is still in his pyjama pants and loose T-shirt. He realizes how weird he looks right now but this thought fades as quickly as appears. It is Tom's mother, who answers the phone, and Phil tries his best to speak calmly but how do you tell your best friend's mum that your best friend, her beloved son, is dying in a white room in York hospital and stay calm at the same time? He hears her sobbing and crying when he ends his little speech about last night and he wishes he could do something to this poor woman but he can't and he feels much worse. She passes the phone to Tom's dad and Phil understands that he is trying his best to stay calm, too. Tom's dad says they are leaving at once and will be there in an hour and a half. Phil is going to meet them. Phil glances at the hospital clock and wonders whether he has enough time to get back to the house and return in time to meet Tom's parents. He needs normal clothes because it is freezing and his phone so that he can call his mum and maybe Tom's girlfriend and he definitely needs his cigarettes because his hands are shaking and he doesn't know how to calm it. In the end he just calls Molly, the girl next door, so that she could bring all the stuff. She is still sleepy but she has heard ambulance last night and she hears Phil's voice right now so she doesn't argue. She comes half an hour later, with Phil's bag behind her back and he hugs her because he really doubts he would make it out of the hospital without being involved in an accident. She just smiles and whispers that everything is going to be okay and Phil nods slightly. Molly leaves about fifteen minutes later, when Phil has finally changed in normal clothes and they leave the building together. Phil stares at Molly a little weird but keeps silent and right then she understands she has forgotten something. She smiles at him again and reaches for her pocket and gives him a pack of cigarettes and a lighter and Phil thanks her again hugging her tight for the fifth time this morning. He waves her goodbye as she leaves and reaches for a cig when he realizes that these are not his Chester but Tom's Kent, too heavy and too smoky for Phil's taste. But they are Tom's and Tom is half-dead in a white room with tubes and machines and Phil needs him desperately right here and now so he lights his cigarette and inhales the smoke. It smells like Tom and Phil closes his eyes and it feels like Tom stands right next to him and a moment later Phil will hear him laugh and there will be a clink of his lighter and everything would be a joke. Phil opens his eyes and exhales. It isn't a joke and Tom is dying right now if he is not dead already. He wishes he could cry but there are no more tears.  


There are fragments of the following day in his memory, Tom's parents hugging him, all of them standing in the white room with Tom, who is so incredibly pale, Doctor Speight talking about his condition and all the machines that make Tom's body live for another minutes. Tom's mum signing some papers and crying in her husband's shoulder. Tom's girlfriend not answering her phone (He will learn later that she was too busy to answer, spending her time on the bank on a date with their mutual friend. Phil will never speak to her or him again). He is in the room when they turn the machines off. It is late evening outside but there are no windows to see the night city. Phil wishes Tom could hear the noise of the night instead of constant beeping. A moment later beeping stops and so does Tom's life. Phil thinks his life ends in some way too.  


It is his last year in the university. He must pass his exams, he must study hard, and he must pay attention to what professor says in the lectures and must attend all the lectures. But he doesn't. Everything seems so useless and short and meaningless when your friend, who was the same age as you, with whom you smoked on a windowsill so many times and drank so much alcohol, with whom you discussed life and psychology and new films and weird clips on YouTube, just dies and leaves you alone with this world. Phil spends most of his days and nights drinking and going out, sleeping with different people and not remembering their names the next day. He smokes pack a day, Kent, as Tom used too. All the thoughts about his health condition are washed away because he doesn't care. Tom died in twenty hours and that wasn't even because of smoking. What is the point to care when we all are going to die?  


It is March and it is six month since Tom died. Phil wakes up in his room, which smells like smoke and alcohol. He lives in another room, because it was unbearable to him to see their room without Tom. He lives alone, because it is unbearable to people to see Phil so broken. He is not alone in this particular morning though because Jamie is sitting on the floor, reading something. Phil's voice is hoarse from smoking and drinking all night and this is the first time he actually sees how much he has changed.  


“What are you doing here?”  


Jamie raises his head and looks right in Phil's eyes. Phil remembers how he described Jamie's eyes to Tom and how he might be bisexual and then Tom laughed and they went to sleep and then... Phil doesn't want to remember what then.  


“I am waiting for you to take you for a walk,” Jamie answers.  


Phil nods and gets up and puts on his clothes automatically. Jamie is the only one who stayed with Phil, who talked to him, who drank with him and who held his hand when he remembered Tom in the long winter nights. Phil trusts Jamie and if he says he wants to walk, Phil would come with him. They leave half an hour later and Phil notices that is pretty early in the morning because no one is outside and Phil feels happy about it. They walk in silence but this is not a usual walk Phil understands. They are going somewhere, Jamie needs to be somewhere, but that is ok with Phil. He trusts Jamie. He wants to take a drag and asks Jamie whether it is all right with him and Jamie just nods. Phil smokes slowly, enjoying the process, something, that hasn't happened to him in a while. He smiles a little and Jamie notices it and smiles too. They walk for another hour and finally reach their destination. It is a cemetery. Phil knows it too well because it is the cemetery where his friend lies. He thinks he should feel angry with Jamie because it is not honest to ruin such a wonderful spring morning with a visit to the cemetery but he doesn't. They walk to Tom's grave with a small monument, both silent and deep in their thoughts. Phil stands before the monument and watches inscription, thoughts and memories filling his mind. His first meeting with Tom, nervous handshake and unsure smiles, their first smoke-night, sitting on a window-sill and laughing about their conspiracy, their walks under moon and singing Pokémon theme in the night, their talks about everything in the world. Phil remembers Tom's smile, Tom's laugh, Tom's arms when he hugged him. The way he lit two cigarettes to them during exam session without any speaking. Phil watches the monument and feels tears on his cheek. He smiles through his tears.  


“Thank you, my friend,” he whispers and places his hand on top of the monument. He lights a cigarette and exhales deeply. That is the moment he understands he should move on. He turns around and sees Jamie who is smiling at him and smiles back. He reaches for a hug, cigarette still in his hand but Jamie doesn't seem to care. They walk away after another hour, hand in hand, and Phil talks about all these funny memories he has made with Tom and Jamie listens carefully, letting Phil fill the silence. When they are in Phil's room again, Phil stares in Jamie's eyes, so green and deep and glowing, and leans closer and places a gentle kiss on Jamie's lips. They feel soft and a little chapped and Phil tries to memorize this feeling because it is unlikely to happen again. He leans back and watches Jamie's reaction.  


“Thank you,” Phil whispers,” and sorry for that.”  


Jamie smiles a bit and this time it is him who kisses Phil, and it still feels gentle but more intense and it seems like he wants to tell Phil how hard it was to watch him destroying himself and how he happy he is that Phil won't do this anymore at the same time. They part from kiss and stare in each other's eyes and laugh simultaneously. Phil feels happy for the first time in six month.  


He starts studying again and there is not much time left till his graduation exams and linguistics isn't the easiest subject in the world but he tries his hardest and succeeds. Jamie is his boyfriend now and it feels strange because only a year ago he thought he wasn't even bi, and now he is with guy and feels like happiest person in the world. He continues making videos on YouTube, making every effort in doing them now, because it feels so overwhelmingly exciting, sharing his opinion, creating something new and it is best way to distract himself from memories. He is so happy when he sees someone liking what he is doing and it makes him feel so special, reading all the comments and trying to reply everyone. Jamie says he takes it too close to his heart, but Phil can't act otherwise. He feels sad about dislikes and negative comments and some voice in the back of his mind, that sounds surprisingly like Jamie's, tells that you can't be loved by everybody, but Phil is overemotional and he smokes after every comment like this just to stay calm and place his thoughts in order. He smokes while editing too, taking breaks from his voice and face. Jamie says that Phil spends too much time inside, watching other You Tubers or editing, or watching Buffy all over again or some new series Jamie has never heard about or playing games that Jamie has never known about but Phil just smiles and hugs him tighter and kiss him on the cheek. Phil tells him about YouTube, fandoms, explains how editing works and tries to persuade Jamie to make a video or at least make an appearance in his, but Jamie doesn’t see the point. During their last argument Jamie tells Phil to give up smoking and find a proper job. Phil just shrugs with his shoulders. He likes things like they are now and it is one of the things he learned since Tom's death - think about yourself first and enjoy your life, because no one knows, when it ends. They break up with Jamie, but both of them have agreed to stay friends. It doesn't happen. They lose contacts after Phil moves back to his parents and none is eager to find them again.  


Living with parents feel so much different when he is four years older and has graduated from uni already. Phil got used to eating when he wants and sleeping when he wants and being able to smoke whenever he wants. But it is easier this way, at least for now, so he learns new daily patterns, getting up before midday and eating in the kitchen with parents and going to his smoke walks again. He tried smoking in his open window a few times, but he was so nervous that somebody would enter his room and see him that instead of usual relief from smoking he nearly got heart attack. So he goes out in the early morning and in that late evening, walking through deserted streets, enjoying bitter smoke filling his lungs. Short after his break up with Jamie, he sets some kind of rule. It is not actually a rule but a promise to himself and he says it out loud so it would have more weight. He swears to stick to it no matter what. When he gets back from walking, he writes it on a little note and just stares at words. It is a little bit naive and some kind of cheesy, but Phil doesn't care. The note says _I will give up smoking when a person I love most asks me to _. He is not sure when he meets this person or would they mind him smoking. He just promises that if they ask him to, Phil would do it without thinking or resisting.  
__

The promise makes him feel a bit easier about his habit. He has no one who would care about him or love him besides his family, so he smokes freely and carelessly when he is around his friends. He is not ashamed - everyone has bad habits and smoking is way not the worst. He meets new people through YouTube, a whole community, and he is so interested in them because they are funny and creative and friendly. He meets PJ and then Chris and they are one of the first people with whom he meets not only online but in real life too. It is exciting and Phil is full of energy to meet new people, to make friends and chat and share opinions and play video games. He has never felt so eager to socialize before. He gets more and more popular and he even has a fan-base and he makes some money through his video, which is not that important but still is a strong argument in their argues with mum. It feels too good and Phil really thinks that things cannot get any better, but they do. He meets Dan.


	2. Chapter 2

At first, Dan is just another fan. It is not that he has too many so he can just leave the boy unnoticed but he is still a fan and Phil is as interested in him as in sixteen year old girl who lives in London. But with time Dan leaves more and more comments to his videos and replies to his tweets and they are really wit and funny so Phil starts paying more attention to him. He looks through his Twitter and Facebook and it feels like he is invading a little but this boy definitely needs some help. Dan is in his gap year, he needs to take adult decisions and everybody awaits some great deeds from him but judging by his tweets he has no one who could talk to him and help to adjust to grown up life. Phil feels a little sorry about him. He doesn't want anyone feel as lonely as he was once and he gives Dan a hand. He replies to his tweets more and sometime later he sends him direct messages. Dan is such an interesting person, with his own opinion and incredible sense of humour. He cares about others a lot and he is a little afraid of Phil, Phil can sense it and he really doesn't understand why. (Dan will explain him later that it felt like Matt Bellamy suddenly decided to have a chat with you. Phil will only laugh at comparison but at the same time it will feel so nice and he will feel warmness inside. Only Dan will make him feel this way). Their talks become longer and deeper and DMs are not enough and he thinks only for a minute before giving Dan his Skype. Dan doesn't answer and Phil is a bit scared- what if he has crossed the line? But in the evening, after he returns from his smoke walk he sees a new contact and it is Dan. Phil is glad that he has answered. They don't call each other that evening and spend chatting for five hours in a row. When Dan finally says goodbye, Phil catches himself smiling and he is not sure why. He smokes half a pack while talking to Dan; thankfully parents are out for a whole week visiting some relatives, and three more after their chat. He feels strangely nervous and it is not the way he usually feels around new people. Dan is other and he needs help and he is four years younger. This age gap is almost unnoticeable when Dan speaks about something, he sounds so mature but there is still a little hint of insecurity in his messages as if he is afraid to be judged. Phil wants desperately to this fear of Dan’s to fade. 

After two days of constant messaging Phil decides to call Dan. He is not sure whether it is too soon or whether Dan wants to do this too. Phil's parents are coming back today and he spends whole evening with them, trying to avoid his mother's judging looks when he says he hasn't done anything special during their absence. She wishes he found a proper job, something connected with his education and moved out and found a proper girlfriend or boyfriend (Of course he told her about Jamie. He was a little too broken not to notice). She says it is for Phil's own good to start a proper grown up life but he doesn't answer. He has already tried independent life and he didn't like it. His mother sighs as always and leaves. His father is long gone to the living room, watching football. It is better this way, Phil thinks, he won't survive alone for a long time. He goes out and he spends way more time outside, wandering around and smoking one after another. He glances at his watch and it is almost time when Dan is online in Skype. He comes back to his house and turns computer on. He is still nervous about calling Dan, but he pushes the feeling away. He is the older one, the more experienced one, he has decided to help this young boy and he definitely must not feel nervous. He logs in Skype and sees Dan online. Now or never, Phil thinks and starts typing. They talk for a bit and Phil tries to sound as normal as possible when he asks Dan for a video call. There is silence for a little while and then Dan answers," Yeah, sure." Phil catches himself smiling as he turns around to check his room for something inappropriate to be seen. He looks at pack of Kent and a lighter on his bedside table and takes it away. He doesn't want Dan to know, not now, when their friendship is just starting to grow. He will tell him, of course, just not now. He sits himself comfortable and presses Call. After four hours, when he is smoking on his window-sill and Dan has gone to bed, he smiles to himself. This was the best talk he had since Tom.

They continue to call each other every night. Phil has found a little job at translating agency - he proofreads translations to English. He doesn't earn too much but that is his own money and with those that he earns from YouTube he has enough to pay his mum for products and buy himself cigarettes, books and games. Dan is also looking for a job but he doesn't put much effort into it. He tries to live his life in the present but Phil knows it is hard because everyone is pressing on you. He talks to Dan as often as it is possible. He wants Dan to feel that he wants to be his friend and that he wants to help no matter what. The longer they talk the more of real Dan shows up. He is not shy anymore; he laughs at Phil's jokes and his awkwardness and tells him about his mistakes and his experience. Dan trusts him, Phil understands and it makes him feel incredible. Dan finds a job finally, at some local store, and Phil is proud of him for overcoming his laziness. He promises him a video but never does it - he just forgets - and it is not that Dan is angry with him. Phil asks him what he has spent his first wage on but Dan just smiles and says he has spared it for something special. (Dan actually spent it on a ticket to Manchester and a little plush toy for Phil. When he gives it to Phil, Phil feels special. The toy still stands on his bedside table.) Phil doesn't want to ask him further because then he should tell him his first own purchase, which was cigarettes and a pendant which was actually a lighter. He hasn't told Dan that he smokes yet. Dan doesn't smoke and he doesn't like people who smoke so Phil is afraid Dan won't talk to him anymore. It is a bit silly, Phil knows, but he definitely doesn't want to lose this friendship.

It has been two and a half months since they started talking. Phil has got so used to these calls that he cannot fall asleep if he hasn’t talked to Dan. It is strange but none of them mind. They talk about so many different things, starting from favourite movies and ending with Dan's family problems. Dan cares too much and he takes everything too close to his heart and it is almost unbearable to him to hear his little brother argue with parents. Phil doesn't understand his feelings because he has never been an older brother but he tries to be one for Dan. (Much later Dan will accept that it felt exactly like that. Phil will be proud of himself). Their connection deepens and Dan is the first person whom Phil has never met offline but already calls a friend. And that is the point. Phil wants to meet Dan, but he is not sure whether Dan wants it too. It would be a problem, they live in different parts of England and there are so many questions to decide - when to go, where to stay, how long to spend there. Finally, Phil gives up. He asks his mum about having a friend over and she is strangely good with that. That night he asks Dan if he wants to meet him in real life and Dan is so enthusiastic that Phil cannot help but smile. They agree on everything in twenty minutes, deciding that it is better for Dan to go to Manchester and stay with Phil for a week. Phil promises that he will meet Dan at Piccadilly station, so that Dan won't get lost, because Dan claims that he can get lost his way in broad daylight. His parents are a little worried, letting Dan go somewhere alone and to a person they never met, but Phil takes it upon himself, calling Dan's mum and talking to her for about half an hour. (It is a fun fact, but Phil gets her phone number before he gets Dan's. It is also one of those numbers he knows by heart apart from his parents’, Martin’s and Dan's). Everything is arranged and Phil counts days to their meeting. He is pretty sure that Dan does this too.

It is sunny and snowy at that day in Manchester. Phil wants to arrive at station earlier but everything turns again him at that day. He smokes a whole pack in the morning before getting on a bus and then hopping off two or three stations before - to have a few more drags, but his hands are still a bit shaking and his heart is pounding loudly. But it is only Dan, he thinks and in the same moment it is Dan, a person who has became so close in such a short time and Phil is a bit afraid to mess everything up. He stands on a platform waiting for the train to come, cigarettes hidden in inside pocket of his coat and he thinks about telling Dan now. It is better to listen to all this judging speech now than accusing speech about not telling later. Finally he decides that he will only tell, if Dan asks him. For the first time in a long time he feels bad about having this habit, but his promise, written on a piece paper and hidden in his wallet gives him freedom. It will be okay, Phil thinks and then the train arrives and Phil is lost in the crowd and then he hears his name and familiar voice and it is Dan, real Dan with wide smile and deep brown eyes. Phil hugs him immediately, people on the station cursing them for blocking the way, but it doesn't matter. Hugging Dan feels so close and normal as if they have done it so many times before and Phil feels calmness and joy filling his body. It is an almost forgotten feeling and Phil knows exactly when he has felt like that before but today is not a day of reliving memories but of making ones. They part and laugh at each other, because Phil's nose is a bit red and Dan's hair are away from perfect, but it is what friends would do - laugh at each other in an awkward situation. Phil has a whole day planned - they walk around Manchester, going to some shops and making photos in Apple Store and then riding Manchester Eye. They talk about new movies coming out and that new series Dan has already watched and Phil hasn't even heard about and telling weird stories from their lives (They never run out of them. It should describe Phil and Dan in the best way possible). They end up discussing people in the street and Dan is slightly uncomfortable with this in the beginning but twenty minutes later whispers loudly to Phil about the ugliest hat he has ever seen in his life. 

They get home late in the evening, Dan is a bit nervous about meeting Phil's parents but it turns out good. It is near one o'clock in the morning when they are alone in Phil's room finally, Dan joking about déjà vu. Phil tries to show him around a bit but Dan stops him because he has actually seen it all in Phil’s videos and his Skype calls. They crawl under the blanket on Phil's bed, deciding that it is better to share a bed than sleep on a hard couch. Dan lies on his back and watches the ceiling as Phil finally asks him, what has happened. Dan was happy during the day, smiling and laughing all the time, but Phil can see something beneath and it is not nervousness. Dan moves onto his side, facing Phil and starts talking. It is family business again, little brother arguing and coming through his puberty. Dan is fed up with shouting but he cannot do anything and he really doesn't know how and whom to help. Dan is not crying but Phil knows it is hard for Dan to live through it. He wishes he could save the younger from suffering but he cannot do anything and his only help is to be near. So Phil places his hand on Dan's waist and Dan is curled in a ball, something Phil has seen only children do. They fall asleep talking, almost unnoticeable for each other, and it is the calmest night both of them have experienced in a long time.

Dan comes to Manchester more and more often and they do a lot together. Phil asks Dan to take part in his video and Dan is so eager to participate. It is all new to him - to be on the other side of screen but Phil is near and they just film them having fun. Dan watches Phil editing, asking questions constantly and Phil is grateful because if Dan doesn't distract him, he would reach out for smoke automatically. Phil thinks Dan would make a great Youtuber but when he says it out loud Dan just laughs. He thinks it is not for him, to be so exposed in front of people and there is no chance somebody would be interested in his opinions but Phil is persistent and Dan promises he will try it out. Phil takes Dan to parties, too, and Dan is a bit afraid of new people and he is shy around them but Phil is by his side all the time and he feels more confident. Dan does things he has never expected himself to do, like hugging half known people and go around in his bear shirt with dots on his face. In one of his visits Phil introduces Dan to Chris and PJ and Dan smiles and laughs constantly and there is still a hint of insecurity only Phil can see, but is only a hint and Phil is happy for Dan. Dan enjoys parties that Phil takes him to, most of them full of Youtubers and creative people like them. Dan has done three or four videos already when somebody recognizes him at a fan gathering and Dan is so glad and smiles all the time. On these moments Phil thinks about real Dan who is strong but cries sometimes because of his family. He thinks about it late at night, smoking one after another and he feels bad, but thinking is so much easier with a cigarette in his hand. He considers not telling Dan at all, because it is only his health anyway and there is no one who could give away his secret - most of the people don't know and Chris and PJ won't tell anyone if Phil asks them. He decides to wait for appropriate moment but he hopes it will never come. Phil knows that delays won't make him any good but he can't just find courage to tell Dan.

Phil starts looking for his own flat after his twenty-third birthday. His mum looks at him more and more accusingly and after some nights spent out of his flat, he starts to think that independence isn't such an awful thing. Besides, he can invite his friends, especially Dan, whenever he wants without all the guilty looks at his parents. In the end, he finds one, which suits him best. He takes Dan to watch it with him and agent is sure that they are couple, what makes them laugh, because she is not the first and she is definitely not the last. Dan likes the place and it is final argument for Phil, so he moves out from his parents as fast as he can. He can't fall asleep at the first night, usual thing for him, so he calls Dan and they talk till the early morning. Dan is a bit tired these days because he gets prepared to his uni. He tells Phil fun facts about law and how it will make his life easier and how respectable he will look in a suit when he will be at the court, winning the greatest case in his life. He tries to sound eager, but Phil has talked to Dan so much, that he can clearly hear lack of confidence behind his words. Phil thinks that law is not for Dan, his mind is too fast and moving to sit and study all the codes and learn them by heart. He has told Dan about it last time Dan was at Phil's parents' house, they both lying next to each other as always. Dan has only shrugged his shoulders and said that he needed to go to uni because otherwise he would lose his mind and his mum would be too upset and Phil decided never discuss it with Dan, because he can't force his decisions upon him. Dan is going to enter Manchester University and he is all happy about having Phil around and Phil really hopes Dan hasn’t chosen university because of him. (It has been almost three years since these events and Dan still hasn't told Phil whether it was because of him. Phil really suspects it was because of him). Phil tells Dan his last dream when he was at his parents’, he was a lion and he had a friend, who was a llama, when he realises Dan has fallen asleep, his breathing steady and clear. Phil whispers good night in his phone and ends the call. He falls asleep as soon as his head touches his pillow and he dreams of him and Dan having adventures again.

They become more and more popular, Phil is aware of that and Dan can't believe his success. They get invited to some serious gatherings, all about YouTube as a job and internet advertising and they don't understand a thing from the long speeches held in big offices. They get an invitation to Jamaica, as part of the advertising program, and when Dan tries to think about it, Phil says yes for both of them immediately. Dan has already passed his exams and all he has to do now is waiting, so why not wait on the beach and under the sun? They are slightly unusual about daily vlogging everyone around them does, both of them prefer planned videos but they get used to it after some time and act more natural on the camera. The only problem for Phil is that he cannot smoke anywhere, because either Dan will know or he will be filmed and everyone will know, but he decides that a little break from smoking won't do him any harm as he has smoked a lot recently, living by himself again and having an opportunity to do it whenever he wants. He does take a pack though, something he does purely automatically but it is hidden deep in his suitcase so Dan won't find it unintentionally and he doesn't even think about taking it out. Until one day they go to cliff jumping and Phil just looks down and it feels pretty normal, but as soon as he stands at the edge and looks at Dan who has already jumped, he feels fear filling him and he can't move. Everyone is encouraging him, he knows nothing bad will happen, but there is a clear image of white room and him on a hospital bed at the back of his head and a constant beeping that he has heard once echoes in his head. Dan has already climbed up to him and he tells him something, but Phil has so scared himself that he doesn't understand a word. He goes away from the edge and sits on a chair in the cafe and takes a deep breath. Dan goes with him and he is a bit afraid too and it is strange because no one has been scared for Phil apart from his family. Dan takes his hand, something they don't do often in public, and Phil feels familiar wave of warmness. He smiles at Dan and gets up and whispers to Dan's ear ”Thank you.” He goes straight to the edge of the cliff and jumps, closing his eyes. The feeling is overwhelming and for a moment he thinks he flies. When Phil climbs up the bank, Dan meets him with a hug and they laugh and everything seems easier. Phil doesn't even go to the highest cliff, watching Dan instead and filming him.

That evening Dan calls his brother to tell him about experience and Phil goes out silently, a cigarette and a lighter hidden in his pocket. He needs it now, fear mixed with excitement and adrenaline won't let him sleep and he wants to calm himself. He smokes slowly, glancing back at every sound, and he senses almost physically, how fear escapes him with every exhale. He comes back to their room; Dan is still talking but with his mum already, and Phil sneaks to the shower, washing the smell of smoke away. When he escapes the bathroom, Dan lies in his own bed and watches him carefully as Phil crawls under his blanket. He turns off the light and when he is already half asleep, he hears Dan whisper.

” You scared me today.” 

Phil opens his eyes and moves onto his side to face Dan and whispers back.

” I scared myself too. But you gave me courage, so thank you.” Phil smiles and he somehow knows Dan smiles too and they both fall asleep simultaneously.

When they come back from Jamaica, Dan gets his results and he is happy and proud because he has passed. Phil is proud of him too, calling Dan as soon he gets the text and congratulating him. Dan's parents are happy too and there is much less shouting as he leaves for the Manchester dorms and Dan really hopes Adrian won't fight with their parents much as he is the only child at home now. He is happy because of closeness to Phil too, only year has passed but it is already hard for both of them to imagine their lives without each other. Dan is eager to make new friends and meet new people, but when he actually meets them, they seem grey and dull. He tells Phil about it and asks him about his uni friends and Phil suddenly becomes silent and changes the subject. Phil doesn't like to remember these days, not with Dan, and despite him overcoming the hardest stage of accepting his loss and his intention to remember only good things, he still can't do it calmly. So he goes with a distant answer and never comes back to this topic. Dan frowns but says nothing and Phil fights the urge to reach out for another cigarette as he is all nervous but he doesn't. It is his best kept secret now and he smokes only at home or near it, so some accidental subscribers won't see him. 

He is pathetic, Phil thinks but the promise lets him go with the situation. Dan continues talking about new people he has met and new things he has learnt and he is full with enthusiasm and it is not fake, Phil knows it and he is excited about it because he is still afraid that Dan won't like studying law and he will fall to the self-digging that only harms Dan. He keeps asking Dan about different stuff and gets really interested at some point because Dan is good with words and he can make a code sound like a fairytale. In the evening when Phil has finally taken Dan to his dorm and hugged him goodbye, he sits in his flat and smokes and remembers Tom. He doesn't do it often nowadays, he is busy and his mind doesn't go in circles about his memories, but he feels the need to do it right now. He wishes he could talk to somebody right now, somebody who has met Tom too and who has lost him as Phil did but there is no one. He doesn't even tell Dan about his loss because he doesn't want Dan to feel pity at him. He is the one who is the strongest and the eldest and the most experienced and it is him who should help Dan and not the other way round. So Phil sits on a windowsill in his room and smokes Kent in the wide open window and let's himself be weak for at least a night.


	3. Chapter 3

They spend more and more time with Dan. They walk around every Wednesday if the weather lets and Dan stays over almost every weekend. It starts with him staying the night between Saturday and Sunday, they both lie in Phil's bed and Dan talks about his uni. The further studying goes, the less interested he gets, he doesn't like most of his teachers and with Dan it means he won't put much effort in doing something. He studies carelessly and he still manages to get decent marks for his work, but Phil is pretty sure he won't last like this for long. Phil tries to convince Dan to study, but deep inside he knows he won't succeed so he just lets Dan go with it. On the other side, the less Dan studies the more videos he creates and Phil is sure he is really talented because Dan gets better and better in it. They can talk about YouTube constantly, discussing new editing features and new ideas for videos and watching other Youtubers. They film a lot of things together and some days Dan stays over not only on Saturday night but on Sunday night too, both of them lose the count of hours until it is too late for Dan to come back to his dorm. 

By November it is usual thing for Dan to come straight to Phil's on Friday evening and come to uni from Phil's place on Monday morning. Half of his things end up in Phil's flat and Phil has even cleared a shelf for him in his wardrobe but their things mix up nonetheless and they end up sharing clothes without even knowing it. People around them notice this, especially Chris and PJ, who are closer to them than anyone else, and suspicions about them being couple are not that unnoticeable anymore. They both suspect something going on too, Phil catches Dan's attentive glance sometimes and it is not entirely platonic and he himself thinks about kissing Dan from time to time but that is okay, Phil guesses. They are far too close to never think about each other in this way, even if they both were completely straight, which they are not. So he goes along with these thoughts, never letting them be more than just thoughts. He smokes less and mostly at night or in the early morning, because Dan is almost always around and he tries his best to keep him unfamiliar with his habit as long as possible. He hides his cigarettes in different and strange places, so when one day PJ comes around and Phil gets his admission to smoke in his presence and takes a pack from behind the washing machine PJ can't help laugh. He wonders how long Phil plans keep his secret away from Dan and Phil smiles - he doesn't know himself.

Dan scares the hell out of Phil in November. It is midnight and Phil is going to sleep, lighting the last cigarette for today and his phone rings from his bedroom. It must be a text from Dan, he supposes, so he takes another drag but the melody keeps going and Phil realizes it is a call. He curses everyone who calls him that late but it is actually Dan and he surely knows better than call Phil at this time, so it means it something serious. Phil answers the phone and as he hears Dan speaking everything inside him goes down. Dan's belly hurts and twists and judging by Dan's voice he is unbelievably afraid because he has taken at least three pills of painkillers and nothing helps. Dan doesn't cry but he is pretty close, Phil can hear it so he tells Dan to wait for him as he packs some of Dan's clothes in his bag while changing in proper clothes himself. He still talks to Dan, trying to calm the younger and claims he is going to be at University in fifteen minutes or so. Phil takes his cigarettes with him, making sure that he has put down the one he smoked when Dan has called and leaving instantly. He waits outside for a taxi, his hands shake as he lights up a cigarette and he inhales smoke, trying to calm himself, because there is no way he is showing Dan he is scared as hell. Taxi arrives and Phil closes his eyes inside the car, concentrating. They arrive to uni even faster than Phil thought and Phil tells the driver to wait as he calls Dan and tells him to go out. Dan appears five minutes later, unusually pale but trying to smile because Phil is here. 

They sit next to each other as they head to A&E, and Phil covers Dan's hand with his, hoping inside that his hand doesn't shake so Dan would notice it. They wait for a doctor, surrounded by strange people who happened to be at hospital in such late time and Dan lays his head on Phil's chest, his arms curled around his stomach and Phil wraps his arm around Dan's shoulders and presses him closer. Phil hates hospitals and waiting rooms, because last time he was in a place like this, Tom was dying in a white room and he couldn't do anything. Dan's appointment comes and Phil is eager to go with him, but nurse smiles at him and asks him to stay. Dan turns around and looks nervously at him and Phil nods, letting him know that he won't leave until Dan is alright. Phil closes his eyes and leans his head back on the wall as the door closes behind Dan and his mind is flooded with what-if's and pictures of Dan, lying silently in a white room with no windows. Phil opens his eyes instantly and his hands shake even more. He needs to smoke right now and a lot because he is afraid of possible loss, even if the chance of it is minimal. The nurse comes to him and says Dan needs a surgery, nothing special, but it should be done immediately so Dan is already under narcosis. Phil asks if he can wait there until surgery is over and the nurse says yes, smiling kindly. Phil nods more to himself than to the nurse and goes out. He lights a cigarette after fourth try, his hands still shaking but with the first inhale it gets better. He hasn't been so afraid since Tom, but it feels different now, because Tom was his age and he lived alone for almost four years and he was more like a mentor to Phil. Dan is younger and he has been alone for a couple of month now and Phil feels somehow responsible for Dan, for his happiness, his study, his health. He wants to protect Dan from the world because he has already had enough of its cruelness with his family.

Phil smokes five cigarettes in a row and he smells terribly of smoke when he enters the hospital again, but he doesn't really care because he feels better and calmer now. The nurse comes the moment he sits down and she tells him good news as surgery went well and Dan is all right but asleep now so if Phil wants he can visit him. Phil enters the room and it is not white but light-green and there is no beeping and he sees Dan sleeping calmly and he relaxes instantly. He leaves Dan a note and places his bag near Dan's bed, taking out a pack of Kent, his keys and a wallet. Phil goes home and falls asleep as soon as his head touches the pillow. On the next day, he goes to visit Dan again, who looks better but still a bit pale and they laugh and talk all day and Dan hugs him, when Phil leaves in the late evening, muttering “Thank you” in Phil's ear. In that moment Phil gets strangely aware of how close Dan is to him and maybe it is not exactly brotherly love he feels towards Dan.

Dan practically lives with Phil by the end of his first year and although Phil is more than happy about it as he is a bit afraid to leave Dan alone after that November incident, the flat is slightly too little for two people to live in. Besides, Phil can't smoke anywhere now, because Dan will definitely smell the smoke if he smokes inside or somebody would walk into him while he does it outside. So after considering it for a bit, he asks Dan whether he would mind to move in with him and Dan is unbelievably enthusiastic about it. Phil does some research and makes some arrangements and they watch enormous amount of flats before they find the one that both of them like, with a balcony and a big lounge and reasonable rent. Dan is afraid he is terribly awful at housekeeping and cooking and living with somebody but after sometime he proves himself wrong. Dan cooks amazingly and he is tidy and he respects Phil's personal space which is not exactly necessary but it makes Phil feel good. Phil hasn't lived with somebody since Tom, but that is completely different, sharing a room in a students' house or sharing an own flat. He starts to notice different things about Dan, little habits like drinking tea at midnight and having TV on when he is cooking and singing in the shower.

Something changes, Phil isn't exactly sure what, but Dan is not his little brother anymore but another grownup, who sometimes seems helpless and sensitive and overemotional but is actually one of the strongest people Phil has ever met. Phil is so glad they are living together, because he now sees Dan from the different angle, as he is not his guest anymore and he can't keep everything to himself and he doesn't need to. Phil is not used to be exposed like this, but he realizes he trusts Dan as he has trusted Tom so it is okay, considering Dan has been exposed to him like this from the beginning. He starts to answer some of Dan's questions about himself, talking about uni and school, and his first love Layla, laughing at himself almost seven years younger. One day Phil finds an old photo of him and Tom, it might be their second or third year and it is early autumn, they stand together smiling and hands behind each other's back and he puts it in a frame and places it on his dresser next to their photo with Dan, because he has missed that smile and those eyes. Dan notices the photo after a while, looking at it long and then asking Phil about the other boy. Phil says nothing at first and Dan understands so he doesn't move further into questions.

But that night they sit together on a sofa in their lounge and talk and when Dan is almost ready to go to his room, Phil tells him. He tells him about Tom and their friendship, and their night talks (he doesn't tell him about smoking part) and their first trip to Manchester and their drunk singing in the middle of the night and then he tells about that Wednesday night and he cries but it is not hysterics and Dan doesn't tell him anything about it, just whips his tears away with his thumb and it feels calm and close and trustful. He tells Dan about the longest six month in his life and than about Jamie and how he pulled Phil out of nowhere and Dan listens and doesn't interrupt. Phil ends his speech with telling he and Jamie break up and Dan gives him a tight hug and they stay like this for what seems eternity and Phil whispers “Thank you” in somewhere near Dan's ear and he feels much easier than ever before.

Dan's uni doesn't go good; Dan has lost all of his eagerness long ago. It is the hardest thing with Dan, Phil thinks, if he doesn't like it he won't do it and Dan has shown long ago that he prefers making videos and playing video games all day than actually studying. Phil sometimes finds Dan sitting and thinking about his future, especially after his talks with mum, and there is no need to ask him about it because Phil knows he is afraid that everything will come to an end and he won't succeed in his life. Phil sits with Dan in these moments and talks to him, about everything and nothing in particular and Dan seems to feel better after these talks. He considers quitting the uni but that is a huge step for him and he is really afraid to take this decision. He passes his exams, not as successful as he could have done but he is glad with his results because if Phil hasn't made him study he would have failed every exam. They spend their summer filming new videos and going out very rarely and then they are completely in their new collab project so Dan doesn't have much time to think about uni until he is reminded that if he wants to continue his education, he must do a resit of one of his exams. Phil helps him as he can, making him study and encouraging, but deep inside Phil knows that it won't make any good. He thinks about the situation Dan is in when Dan is long gone to sleep and he sits on a balcony, smoking, and Phil realizes how lucky he is with choosing his future profession because even if he doesn't do anything connected with linguistics in his life, he never regrets he went for it.

In the end, Dan just breaks down while revising and he doesn't cry but shouts on top of his voice and he is angry with himself, with stupid law teachers and his family and pretty much everyone. Phil is in the room and he listens to Dan because he knows Dan needs someone to listen and he doesn't tell him anything. Dan falls silent after a while and Phil just sits near and grabs his hand and pulls him for a hug. Dan relaxes into the hug, muttering something incoherent in Phil's shoulder and when he pulls back he repeats it. He is going to drop out of his uni, because it is a torture for him. Phil makes them both tea and they sit and talk about all the pros and cons of this decision and how to tell Dan's parents about it and what he will do next with his loan and life in general and Dan's voice is slightly hoarse from all the shouting but Phil is sure everything will be fine because everything is so much easier when you are not alone and Dan would always have him. 

Sometimes at the very late night Phil sits on a balcony and smokes and thinks about him and Dan and what's going on between them and where does it lead. He wonders whether they could be any closer than they are now, understanding each other without even saying a word and knowing each other's deepest secrets (well, most of them, Phil smirks as he watches his cigarette slowly burn between his fingers) and holding hands and sleeping together when they have tough times. He knows they can be closer and he knows Dan wouldn't be strictly against it but Phil is still slightly afraid of what's coming next. His relationships have never gone right and he doesn’t want to risk going for one with Dan because Phil is sure he won't survive losing another friend. But on the other hand that will be the perfect love with all this understanding and help and laugh and smiles and shared sadness at the same time. Phil thinks about it for a long time, spending half of his nights on a balcony with a pack of Kent, but he never tells Dan about his thoughts, although he is pretty sure Dan has had them. There is no way he hasn't noticed how close they sit at parties and how they wake up holding hands when they fall asleep together and how sometimes they stare at each other when the other one is not looking. Phil wonders how long they will continue act like this and after some time always doesn't seem as impossible as it could be but suddenly things change.

Their first kiss is more a joke than anything else, Dan goes to meet his parents who are in Manchester for a day and Phil watches Dan putting on his shoes and coat and Phil knows Dan doesn’t really want to go because Adrian had a fight with them again and always protects his little brother . Dan claps his pockets to check his wallet and phone and he looks in the mirror for the last time and Phil can’t help but smile.

“You look like you are going to your death,” he says.

“Well, not exactly, but close,” Dan smirks as he turns to watch Phil leaning on the doorway,” To make it complete I need someone to kiss me goodbye.”

And Phil doesn’t really know what he does at that time, but he steps closer to Dan and pecks him on the lips. It is a joke and nothing is behind it, but they both freeze for a second and their faces are millimetres away from each other. Their second kiss is not a joke at all, and Dan leans forward and he kisses Phil and Phil kisses him back. It is gentle and slow and Dan feels Phil’s hands on his forearms and he places his arms on Phil’s small of the back. They part and Phil watches Dan’s eyes, he has never seen them so close and he probably can tell all the shades of brown. He feels Dan’s breath on his lips and for a moment he doesn’t think of anything at all. Dan is a bit confused and maybe a bit ashamed because he lowers his hands and steps back from Phil, avoiding his gaze. Phil is about to say something or maybe even apologize but he doesn’t have time because Dan mutters goodbye and goes out the door. Phil stays in corridor for another minute before going in the kitchen and turning the cattle on. He hasn’t still completely understood what happened in the corridor and he acts automatically hoping routine would help him to cope with all the thoughts flooding his mind. He goes out with his cigarettes because Dan won’t be back in two hours or maybe even more and he desperately needs to smoke now. 

Phil is not sure whether he has messed everything up or he has made it better, but it was actually Dan who kissed him first so maybe it is not as bad as it could be. He takes a deep drag of his cigarette and leans on the rails. It is not exactly how he imagined things to be, they had so many possibilities of how they first kiss should be and Phil has never thought he would have enough courage. He smokes three more cigarettes that evening, takes a shower and sits himself with a laptop, because without any doubt time goes faster when you scroll your Tumblr dash. An awful thought comes through his mind at some point, about Dan not coming back and their friendship ruined, but Phil just brushes it away. It is Dan after all and if he is uncomfortable with what happened he will act as nothing happened because Dan knows how important their connection is and not only to him but to Phil too. So Phil just waits for Dan, sitting on the couch and watching cute videos on YouTube. Dan comes late at night, Phil hears the keys clinking and the front door slam shut as Dan enters, but Phil doesn’t move. He hears Dan come in the lounge and then he sits near Phil, their hands almost touching and Phil puts aside his laptop. They don’t look at each other and silence is slightly awkward, and then Dan sighs a bit.

“So... about the kiss,” he makes a pause and Phil wants to tell him that he is sorry and he doesn’t intend to, but Dan continues and Phil keeps silent,” Do you think we could do that again?”

And Phil smiles as he leans on Dan, he almost laughs in his lips because Dan is adorable when he is a bit unsure and they kiss and it is not like Phil feels butterflies or fireworks, but it is one of the greatest things that has happened to him.

It is not that they have decided to take it slowly, but it actually goes this way and neither of them is willing to hurry because they have all the time in the universe. The month after that life-changing evening is filled with kisses, some of which are completely innocent and are mostly on the cheeks or foreheads and some of them are real make-out sessions, with moans and hickeys down each other’s necks. They have given each other hand jobs when things have got really heated and Phil once blew Dan off but it is nothing more. They don’t discuss it, Phil is a bit afraid to raise the subject because despite being so natural, things still seem a bit weird – just a month passed after all and they still get to know each other in this completely new way. He smokes less because he knows Dan would smell it so he is somehow happy about them still sleeping in separate beds because it means that he can sneak out of his room late at night without Dan noticing. He considers telling him now, because with what is going between them he doesn’t want to keep any secrets from Dan, but he stills decides to wait a little. He is more afraid of Dan judging him and he really doesn’t want to upset him but after some thinking Phil decides he should tell him before this gets any serious. He doesn’t have time. That evening they are in Phil’s room, Dan is on top of Phil and they make out and Phil thinks a bit disappointed that it will end as previous nights. Dan is already kissing his earlobe and Phil can’t help but moan and he can feel Dan smile against his neck and he realizes suddenly that Dan might have not enough courage to take it further and he is the older one and the more experienced one so why the hell not. So they roll over and now it is Phil who is on top and he kisses Dan’s neck, but not too hard to leave a love bite, before whispering to his ear.

“Do you want us to go further?”, and he is pretty sure that doesn’t sound sexy at all, but it is Dan after all and he will definitely understand. Phil pulls away from Dan’s neck and looks into Dan’s eyes and Dan watches him carefully and then nods, whispering Yes in a husky voice and Phil feels all the walls break in his head and he kisses Dan more forcefully. It is all blur and heat and they both feel incredibly high because they have waited for it and now it is happening and it is hard to believe in. They undress each other slowly, trying to part away from each other as less as it is possible and there is no discomfort Phil usually feels when he is naked in front of somebody else’s eyes for the first time. Their moves are slow and somehow synchronised as if they share one mind and Phil knows exactly where to kiss and Dan knows exactly where to touch. They are still in their boxers and Phil is already reaching for Dan’s waistband when the thought suddenly hits him. They part again and Dan is slightly confused when the pause is longer than a second and he stares in Phil’s eyes and Phil asks him, looking straight in his eyes.

“Have you ever done this with a guy before?” and it is not that Phil wants to be Dan’s first, he just wants both of them enjoy it as much as possible.

“Yeah,” Dan whispers and he knows what Phil will ask him next, so he continues,” both top and bottom.”

Phil’s movement are a bit more confident as he knows that Dan has been there before, but he feels slightly jealous of Dan’s first. He kisses Dan’s chest as he pushes his boxers off and he feels Dan’s hands on his sides and everything goes dizzy for a moment and they moan against each other, trying to touch everywhere and it is definitely one of Phil’s best nights. Everything is heated and Dan is so open to him, he trusts him so much and Phil wants to show how much he cares. He tries his best to be as gentle as it is possible but he has waited for this for a long time and Dan doesn’t seem to bother at all the bites and scratches when he lies on his back and Phil fucks him. It is so hot in the room they both think they are going to melt into each other and finally become one. Dan screams Phil’s name as he comes and Phil has never heard his name pronounced like this, need and lust mixed with something so deep he might even think it is love. They lie afterwards, both on their sides facing each other and Phil remembers their first night together in his parents’ house, Dan curled in a ball and Phil’s hand on his waist. They are so much closer now, closer than they could have imagined, but Dan is still curled in a ball and Phil’s hand is on his waist and it is still the calmest sleep they have.


	4. Chapter 4

They wake up together much more often now, bodies pressed against each other and their limbs entwined and despite them still sleeping in separate bedrooms when there is no sex the night before, Phil is aware of Dan’s things slowly move to his room. He doesn’t mind this invasion, but he can’t smoke at all because Dan will definitely feel his absence in the night and Phil understands that he needs to confess now. He has thought of giving up a couple of times, before even letting Dan know, but he doesn’t want to. It helps him think and it prevents his hands from shaking and it is one of threads that connect him to Tom. So one day they sit in the lounge, Dan is playing Skyrim and Phil reads on their small couch, when Dan pauses he game because his eyes are tired. Phil looks away from the book as there is no sound and looks at Dan who rubs his eyes and then looks at Phil and as their gazes meet, they both smile simultaneously. Dan doesn’t move and the whole bunch of thoughts flies across Phil’s mind before he thinks it is now or never. He puts away his book and clears his throat and doesn’t look away from Dan.

“I need to tell you something,” Phil says and his voice sounds a bit unfamiliar, but he doesn’t pay much attention.

“All ears,” Dan smiles at him and Phil feels a bit guilty.

“I smoke,” Phil says and it is much easier to do than it seemed, words just leaving his mouth. He doesn’t look away from Dan who isn’t shocked or disappointed, he is calm and that makes Phil uncomfortable. It is definitely not the reaction he awaited, but it is Dan after all and no matter how good Phil knows him, he is always able to surprise. Dan stands up from the floor and sits near Phil, looking in front of him now. 

“I know,” Dan answers quietly,” I saw you a couple of times on the balcony. It was late and I wanted to eat, so I entered the kitchen and the balcony door was open slightly and I saw you with a cigarette, but I decided you will tell me yourself, cause, you know, there should be a reason why you do it at four in the morning.”

“I just really didn’t want to upset you. You really hate smokers and here I am, smoking since I am sixteen. But now as things have changed, “Phil smiles and Dan smiles too, still not looking at Phil, “I thought you need to know.”

“I am glad you told me,” Dan tells him as he turns his head to finally meet Phil’s eyes.

“Are you all right with that? I mean,...” Phil mumbles but Dan interrupts him.

“Yeah, I am all right, at least for now. No smoking before kisses or in bed though, “Dan laughs and Phil pulls him into a hug. 

Nothing change much, Phil still doesn’t smoke in Dan’s presence, going on the balcony only when Dan is asleep or out or in the shower, but it feels a bit better when he doesn’t need to check all his pockets before giving Dan his coat for a day or remember to throw away ash from his pocket ash-tray when he is out. Phil considers buying a proper ashtray for their balcony, a really weird one, but something inside him says Dan wouldn’t be particularly happy with that one so he continues to use his pocket one. Nothing change much with them being a couple now, Phil’s parents are pretty happy they have ended this way and Martin is all supportive and PJ and Chris laugh at them as they admit that something is going on. Dan’s parents are not exactly the one of the most tolerant people on Earth, thinking Dan is going through a stage but they don’t mind it, and Adrian is all teasing about his relationship but in a good way, so everything feels fine. Their projects are going well too, and they get invited to BBC Radio and Dan doesn’t shut up about it for five days in a row and Phil smokes far too much in these. They are nervous as hell about how this will turn out but it actually turns in a way they couldn’t have imagined. They go to festivals and meet ups and there are so much fans Dan doesn’t believe his eyes. Phil whispers him how proud of him he is every night and Dan thanks him in reply.Who knows where they would be without each other and it is something they try never to think about because there they are, holding hands and standing right beside the other one. 

First time Dan sits with Phil on a balcony late at night is in April. The night is pretty warm and Phil sits in his pyjama bottoms and a T-shirt and Dan is gone to shower, because they just have had sex and Phil enjoys his after-sex cigarettes way too much. He has smoked one already and he thinks Dan would be in a shower a bit longer, and lights another one when Dan enters the balcony and Phil swears because that is the last cigarette in his pack and he has just wasted it because he doesn’t smoke in front of Dan. 

“I am sorry Dan, but I just lit it. You go, I will be in ten minutes, okay,” Phil throws at Dan an apologizing look. Dan shrugs his shoulders and sits in chair next to Phil.

“I think I can manage,” he smiles,” I just want to sit with you and besides I have never watched you smoke.” Dan looks at cigarette in Phil’s hands and nods at it,” It’s gonna fall now”

Phil flips the ash off cigarette mindlessly and takes another drag not looking at Dan. They sit in silence for a while, watching the night city, the sound of burning cigarette the only heard. Phil takes another couple of drags, when Dan finally breaks the silence and starts talking. It is nothing Phil has never heard before, Dan is being anxious about his future and his career and his family and he knows Phil will always listen but sharing it with him in the night on a balcony seems to be so special, that he can’t help it. Phil’s cigarette is long gone and he just watches Dan talking and gesturing and asking himself rhetorical questions. Phil is smiling and he is happy and Dan glances back at him, noticing that Phil is done with his cig already and stops talking himself. He stands up and Phil follows him immediately and they go to bed, Phil visiting bathroom before that to brush his teeth and wash his hands with soap, because Dan would hate the smell. They lie in bed together, Dan’s nose pressed against Phil’s shoulder when he mutters something Phil doesn’t hear properly.

“I say, the smell is not that bad,” Dan repeats,” your t-shirt smells of smoke but it is not very intense and I might accept I quite enjoy it.”

“Well, I am honoured, “Phil laughs and closes his eyes and falls asleep instantly. Dan follows him three minutes later.

It is the first of their smoke nights, when Dan goes to sit with Phil as he smokes late at night and these are one of their closest moments. Phil still tries to exhale smoke away from Dan, caring about him, but with time Dan seems to get used to it, though never willing to smoke on his own and Phil is relieved he doesn’t. Dan takes a drag from his cigarette once and he coughs instantly, Phil’s Kent are a little too harsh to smoke in the first place, especially for a person who has never done this before, so Dan is utterly disappointed in smoking. He prefers watch Phil better.

Their lives go in such a rush they lose count of days. It seems like hours become seconds and days become hours and the time goes by as they watch it. Their popularity grow, number of fans is extremely unbelievable and Phil sometimes think somebody hacked YouTube and maybe the whole world because there is no way his life and his opinion is interesting to more than ten people. But it is and he is uncontrollably happy for himself and for Dan too, because it seems Dan has finally found his place – a proud YouTuber with Phil by his side. They never call each other boyfriends, this word is somehow dull and empty and a bit silly, and they are so much more than friends, so they just stop at calling each other by names and some random kitchen utensils or pieces of furniture. (The face Dan’s mum has when Phil calls her son “a massive whisk” is inexpressible. Phil suspects that Dan’s parents think him to be a little mental but when Dan answers him with “look at yourself, spatula”, he is pretty sure it is okay). They are still highly aware of fans, who suspects that something is going on between them and both of them suddenly feel overprotective about it. Dan can never express in words why and Phil tries but fails, but they both decide it is ours and they don’t want to share. They do share still all the little glances and touches and the way speak about each other and to each other – it is something they cannot hide and everyone sees it. Phil tries to edit out all their displays of affection from their Super Amazing Project and from their usual collabs, but that seems impossible so he just leaves it. After all, he secretly wants everyone to know that he is the lucky guy, that Dan is his and his is Dan’s. And it is first time he thinks about their forever.

BBC seems to like them as they offer them to work at festivals for the Radio 1 YouTube channel. It surprises Phil because he has never thought of himself as a presenter and it is weird to work with Scott Mills and Nick Grimshaw and to see them on daily basis. Dan is a bit terrified with the thought of working on actual job, as he calls it, so they end up sticking together and not leave each other’s sides for more than an hour. It gets better with time, Dan doesn’t stumble anymore and jokes with everyone around and Phil’s smile is not that tense but the habit of being around each other doesn’t go anywhere, so even BBC thinks they never part and takes them as a double act. Phil offers to move to London so they could take more job offers from Radio, because Dan definitely enjoys being a radio presenter and he is incredibly good at it and Phil will do everything to make him happy. Dan doesn’t say yes immediately he thinks and overthinks, telling Phil all the possible pros and cons of this move when sitting at their balcony at 3 o’clock in the morning. Phil doesn’t push Dan, it is something they should decide together without any pressure because they are friends and a couple and colleagues and just more. 

After two weeks of considering Dan finally agrees and they look for a flat together, and this time their agent takes them as a couple again, and they laugh because some things never change, without even understanding that actually everything has changed. They get a lovely flat with two floors and infinite stairs and Phil is a bit disappointed, because this one has no balcony and there will be no more smoking with Dan in the night. In fact there could be no more smoking in the flat at all and he definitely hates to smoke outside his walls because someone might see him and because Dan is lazy enough to not make him company if he needs to go out all the time to smoke. He doesn’t tell Dan about it, though. On the first day neither of them can sleep and when Dan seems to finally fall asleep, Phil sneaks out of it and leaves quietly. He goes outside, wearing jeans and his sleeping T-shirt, pack of Kent in his hand and a lighter in his pocket. Phil sits on a near bench and lights a cigarette, when he hears Dan’s voice. Dan stands in the doorway, hair tousled and wearing one of Phil’s shirts. Dan walks to Phil and sits near, and they both look in the darkness in front of them.

“I thought, you fell asleep finally”, Phil says, taking another drag.

“Not actually. Felt you left” 

“Just this one, ok? I was on the edge the whole day.”

“It is ok. I will wait for you.” Dan answers and leans on Phil’s shoulder. Phil hugs him with his spare hand and they sit like that, feeling each other, Phil’s cigarette has long gone off and Dan shivers from night cold.

When BBC offers them a radio show, they both seem to faint on the spot. They say yes immediately and they are so excited, they won’t shut up about it for a minute, discussing everything from the main audience of the show to whom they can invite. It is an overwhelming feeling, to have something they can create and make special with all this little things that come to their mind and they want it to be special. Their producers seem to be very innovative, because they agree with the most things Dan and Phil come up with, giving them more ideas to think over and they are happy to create something new, something no one has ever tried. Phil really thinks he is going to explode from emotions because who would have guessed five years ago that he would make it this far. It is way creepier for Dan who still has these little insecurities about belonging in the world and now he is a radio presenter and he has own show and he is with Phil. They never say it out loud but they both know that they have made it all together and they are grateful to each other for staying. Phil means it when he holds Dan’s hand in the middle of the night, because he can’t say it out loud, but something tells him that Dan knows. And Phil somehow knows that Dan means every bit of it too.

Their first show goes smooth. Dan is nervous and Phil’s hands shake a bit but they actually manage to handle the pressure and although it is completely new to them it is sort of familiar and they both are pretty comfortable with everything being filmed. In fact, it helps them to adjust because being in front of the camera is much easier than standing behind the microphones and being in charge of set list on national radio. Phil cannot stop smiling and Dan’s eyes are glowing and they feel excited. Phil sits in Radio 1 special smoking room and Dan watches him through the glass and makes faces and Phil laughs at them, feeling the leftovers of exhaustion and nervousness leave his body. He makes a ring out of smoke and Dan rolls his eyes. When Phil finally lefts the smoky room, Dan wrinkles his nose at the smell, but still kisses Phil on the cheek, looking cautiously around before. Phil smiles at him and they go out finally to be met with a small group of fans. They hug and make photos and laugh and even sign stuff and it feels weird because they are neither celebrities nor actors but they are popular and this feeling makes Phil shiver. He thinks he will never get used to it, but he does in fact, because he doesn’t feel any close to this on their fifth show. It becomes a routine after seventh show; they still take it seriously and responsible but there aren’t any overwhelming feelings about something completely new. It is not the only topic in their talks now and they slowly come back to their routines of being two YouTubers who don’t do much in their time but film, edit and sit on the internet and in their case, have sex.

Phil fears for their relationship sometimes, all this pressure about being more open to the public cannot pass them by but they cope pretty well, Dan still trusts him with his everything and Phil still cares about him as he has never cared about anyone before; their kisses are still desperate and gentle at the same time and Dan’s call of his name is still the best thing Phil has ever heard in his life. When Dan reaches his million subscribers, Phil hugs him and doesn’t let go because he understands how much it means and especially how much it means to Dan. Dan receives congratulations all day, from his YouTube friends and fans, and he feels somewhat guilty because Phil has been longer in this and he deserves it better. He tells Phil about it at night when Phil is smoking in the office by the open window, as it is pretty cold outside but Phil just laughs. They both know it is not that okay and Phil has every right to be jealous even if it is Dan, but he doesn’t. And Dan is grateful for that as he has never been.

Their nomination to Sony Headphones Award is shock to everyone. They has never expected it to come and they has never expected it to come that fast. They ask their fans to vote but without strong hope of winning. It would be nice to win it, Phil thinks, but people work for years to even get nominated and they are already there so maybe their victory is not that important. The day of ceremonial is all blurred from the start because they are not even nervous, they are freaking out. Phil smokes right from the morning, one after another, and he just looks away when Dan looks accusingly at him. Phil is close as he has never been to giving up but he still keeps his word and waits for Dan to ask; because there is no doubt Dan is the mysterious “them” from the note hidden in his wallet. Phil smokes one more cigarette, trying to be as quick as he can be, as they stand outside and wait for a cab. His next cigarette would be in five hours, at Nick Grimshaw’s balcony with Dan by his side. They are drunk and they want to kiss and maybe have a slow and gentle sex to celebrate, because they have won when nobody expected it. Phil’s mind is full of reflexive thoughts whether they deserve it or not and he is almost one hundred percent sure Dan thinks about it too but they try not to think about it. The award is their now and they get so many congratulations that Phil’s head spins. It is all serious, they will get even more respected and it is another step in their starting careers but it is somehow the last thing Phil think of when he feels Dan’s hand on his thigh. They should wait till they get home, it is not arguable, but just this feeling of being close is comforting and relaxing. They smile at each other and it strikes Phil that he never tell Dan in words how he makes him feel but Phil has always been a man of action, so he decides to wait a bit and just show it with his deeds. He doesn’t wait long.

Phil gives up when he is twenty six. He sits outside on his usual bench when Dan goes out and sits next to him. He holds something but Phil cannot exactly tell what it is. He makes a deep drag when Dan speaks quietly.

“Have you ever considered giving up? Smoking, I mean?”

Phil turns his head to Dan, but he still looks in front of him. Phil looks at Dan’s hands and he sees a note and he knows exactly, where Dan has found it. He takes another drag and exhales smoke as slow as possible.

“Do you want me to?” Phil asks and he actually knows the answer but he needs it to hear from Dan himself.

“Yeah. I mean, it is all right if you are not ready or even if you don’t want to but I actually want you to give up.” Dan is nervous and Phil realizes it is not just a request but a question too. _Do you love me the most?_

He takes one last drag of his cigarette and puts it down in the nearest bin. He throws away his unfinished pack of Kent and his lighter and then his pocket ash-tray. He doesn’t even think for a second. _Yes. I love you like I have never loved anyone._

Dan stands up from the bench and hugs Phil and the hug is tight and they stay like this in ages, Phil’s nose buried in a crook of Dan’s neck and they don’t let go and it is Dan’s answer. _I love you too._

Phil thinks of Layla and teenage himself and how broken he was. He thinks of Tom and their smoke-nights and smoke-nights without him. He thinks of Jamie and how he pulled him out of depression. He thinks of Dan and it doesn’t matter. He won’t smoke anymore because the person whom he loves the most has asked him not to.


End file.
